Posts (page 2)

Ok, so I was a little dramatic last week with the "I give up" message.... and since my Aunt Flo decided to pay a visit today, I realized I can chalk it all up to PMS-ing and stress.

The stress is still there.  I STILL haven't found a job, which is pretty much unheard of.  I'm submitting an average of 100+ resumes per week and I've had 2 interviews.  Out of hundreds of resumes.  I have a pretty solid skill set, I've worked for major companies such as Discover Card and Abbott Laboratories and TWO INTERVIEWS?  Seriously?

Money's gone, I literally have maybe some pennies to my name.  We somehow managed to come up with July's rent and $900 to keep our electric on, but the cable/phone/internet was shut off, my car is thisclose to being repossessed and I had to go to a FOOD PANTRY to get some food in the house...all thanks to the $1900 that had to materialize within 4 days in order to not lose our house and to have electricity.

I have an interview tomorrow with a medical dynamo around these parts, to be a pharmacy technician.  I'll make a little more than 1/2 of what I was making at my last job but I don't care one bit.  I've been applying for WAITRESSING positions even, not that there's anything wrong with that at all, however when you go from making $23.50 an hour to "I'll serve drinks for $2 tips!!"  well, it's humbling to say the least.

The pharm tech position though is mostly 1st shift as opposed to the 3rd shift I was working before, and rather than being 47 miles each way thru awful Chicago-area traffic, I'll be working about 5 minutes from my house in beautiful Wisconsin.  Maybe I'll never have to go into Illinois again, I'm okay with that.

So wish me luck tomorrow, and in general.  Emotionally I'm a wreck, I miss my daughter tremendously (she's with her dad for 2/3's of the summer), I'm freaking out about not having any money - knowing nothing is coming in, because really, if I don't get something this week, we'll lose our house come August 1st.

 **Edited to add**  I forgot to mention that Eric & I finally had sex.

I give up.

Within the last 2 weeks:

1.  I lost my job.

2.  Unemployment got denied.

3.  I have NO money coming in now.

4.  Joker (below) is still fighting for his life, the lady he hit died.

5.  I've submitted about 20-30 resumes per day and have gotten maybe 3 phone calls, all for a company I've previously worked for and cannot go back to.

6.  I'm almost 2 car payments behind.

7.  Also 2 months on cable/phone/internet.

8.  I just spent the last of my money on milk, water (we have well water that we can't drink) and bread.

9.  Becca and I are no longer friends.

If anyone in the Chicago area needs a top notch executive secretary that can start, oh...yesterday, please let me know. 

Actually, if anyone in the Chicago area needs anyone to do anything, please let me know. Um, legally speaking.

Please please please send good thoughts this way ya'll - I don't know what I'm going to do.

Way back when I first left Chuck and went into hiding, I obviously went thru a lot lof safety issues that I have discussed at length on this blog. 

I was constantly looking over my shoulder, I had to sit facing doorways whenever I went out, whenever I saw a red pickup truck my heart stopped, that sort of thing.

It was during this period that I met Joker.  Joker is a Vietnam Veteran, actually he was the President of a nationwide VA bikers club comprised of thousands of bikers.

Joker is known and loved by EVERYONE.  His "celebrity" spans across this nation amongst Harley riders, but especially in these parts of our little world - he's known to be the go-to guy when anyone needs any help with pretty much anything. 

When we met, we connected instantly.  He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on the face of this planet, at a time when I had been so kicked into the ground I thought I wasn't worth anything to anyone.  He lifted me up, he made me laugh, he made me feel beautiful, but most of all - he made me feel safe.

There was not a thing in the world at that time that made me feel safe besides Joker.  My dad threatening to shoot Chuck if he stepped foot on his property, this guy or that guy promising to protect me if he came around, even me getting my own means of protection to have with me just in case did not provide even a fraction of the safety that Joker gave me.  I knew instinctively that he was a man of his word, and when he told me that so long as he was around, I was safe.  This was pretty big for a girl who didn't know which way was up or down, or if I'd ever be able to trust anyone again.  The safety he made me feel cannot be described in words.

He used to ask me out on dates.  He used to tell me that he wanted to drive to where I was living at the time and take me out to a nice dinner.  Obviously we both knew I was no where near to being ready for any of that, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't toy with the idea and even gave into the connection we had a few times when we'd meet at the Kickstand for drinks.  It was nice.

When we were out together, everyone knew him and genuinely respected him (unlike what I mistook for respect but was actually fear when I was with Chuck) and I was always astounded by just how loved he was.

After I started getting back on my feet again and I moved to Schaumburg (a good 50 miles from where I've now returned to in Wisconsin) we lost regular contact.  Rather than speaking every day, we talked once a week, then everyone so often, until I moved back to Wisconsin in January.  He stopped drinking on Jan.1st, but still had the strength to be able go to the bars & drink O'Douls and amazingly was EXACTLY the same jovial, social, lovable person he had been when he was a drinker (not many people can say this).  Every time I ran into him at The Kickstand, I was greeted with the biggest smile and warmest, most sincere hug and I truly felt he was happy to see me each time, as I was him.

On Saturday afternoon, he was on a custom chopper, a bike that had a lot of power and is pretty initimidating to most bikers, even the seasoned ones, and was on his way to The Kickstand.  The roads surrounding my neighborhood are very curvy, with the speed limit slowing from 40 to 15 in some spots.  He was rounding one of these particular curves when he crossed over the center line and hit an an ongoing car containing an elderly couple head on. 

His bike went up the hood of the car and he was then thrown from it.  By the looks of the entire front end of the bike, the front end of the car and the hood, you would think there was NO WAY he could have survived the accident.

But he did.

He's not in great shape, actually 2 Flight for Life helicopters were called in for him and for the passenger (the wife) of the car.  Among the many, many injuries he's facing, all of his ribs were broken, so every internal organ that your ribs protect were pushed to the left side of his body.  They had to remove his colon during the first surgery and reinsert it during the second surgery the next day.  He's crashed at least once since the first surgery.  There's obviously tons of injuries besides these that he's dealing with, but I'll be damned if this man is not the strongest man I know, putting up the fight of his life right now.

My main reason for writing this, besides having written documentation about this amazing, spectacular man, is to tell every one of you to let people know what they mean to you as often as as lovingly as you possibly can.  I'm sure that Joker knows I care for him tremendously, but I don't think he has any clue just what his friendship has meant to me, and just how much the safety he provided me was LIFESAVING at that point in my life. 

Since the accident, I've heard countless, and I mean countless, stories similar to mine about him.  About how he was a guardian angel for this person or how he helped someone else out of a horrific mess.  He is SO loved by so many people, 1 of whom has become a very good friend of mine over the last few months and so happens to be dating Joker's son, Dan - another amazing man.

Please!  Tell the people you love that might not know what they've meant to you exactly how you feel.  Don't wait another second - do it now. 

And - - if you wouldn't mind, please send some prayers upstairs for Joker & his family, along with the people from the other vehicle, one of whom is still in the hospital in serious condition as well. 

As always, mwwwwwah to you's guys, you know I love you!

I think that sometimes, people don't die from suicide or from accidents or illnesses.

I think that sometimes, people die because they simply lose their will to continue with life.

Once the will to keep fighting is gone, something changes in their hearts.

With no will to keep going, you simply don't.

Forwarning - the word FUCK or any variation thereof will be used often in this entry.  Can't handle it?  See the RED BOX WITH THE "X" in it up and to your right?  Click it now.

I know I've had a few minor temporary meltdowns from time to time, but man you guys.....the one I'm experiencing currently is BAD.  I don't know what to do.

First on the reason list is that I'm still really not getting any sleep.  My entire day, I'll sleep for MAYBE 20 minutes at a time and besides that I'm awake.  Obviously this means I'm never really in that REM sleep I hear so much about, and I feel like a fucking zombie most of the time.  When I tell you that it literally feels as though I might be losing my mind from sleep deprivation, should you hear any stories of some crazy lunatic losing her shit in Wisconsin over the next few days - point the cops to this website because MY GOD I feel like I'm LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. 

There's countless reasons I'm not able to sleep, most of which I've already covered here:  1) the fucking post traumatic stress disorder that makes it hard for me to sleep to begin with, even BEFORE working FUCKING 3rd shift and before moving in to a house 10 feet away from a FUCKING HARLEY BAR for God's sake. 

But every day there's new things to add to the list.  Today it was my landlord's ripping down EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMNED GRAPE VINE we had growing on this trellis thing on our house that I FUCKING TOLD THEM we wanted to keep because towards the end of summer they are fucking GORGEOUS.  Not to mention -= HELLO?!  Fucking homemade WINE with GRAPES WE GREW OURSELVES???  Fuck.  But no, today they were all removed because, and I quote, "They stain the concrete purple." 

So, they're outside having a grand ol' time talking away OUTSIDE MY FUCKING BEDROOM WINDOW whilst they remove the vines and then, of course, my landscaper shows up a day early to mow the front and back yard. 

Additionally, and I kid you not here, between 11am and 7pm my phone rang every 20 minutes.  Now, I know - I should unplug it right?  Turn it off?  Whatever?  Yeah, except that I can't because the fucking second I do that, my daughter's school will call and she'll have cracked her head open during gym class or something.  Now, if these calls are NOT her school (and thus far they have NOT been) I don't answer the calls.  Even if some of them are Eric (which today several were), but still - the second the phone rings, I'm up.  I go back to sleep only for the same thing to happen about 15 minutes later.

Additionally, Steve (Kickstand owner) had to finish pounding in all the horseshoe metal stake things because the horseshoe league started last night.

Last night, on my way to work, I fell asleep behind the wheel of my car and woke up offroading it after hitting one of those driveway reflector things - approximately 10 feet before hitting a TELEPHONE POLE at 50 miles per hour with no seat belt on.  You guys, I almost fucking DIED last night because now my body is just picking random times to fall asleep since I can't seem to do so on my fucking own.  If I hadn't hit that reflector pole thingy, I'd more than likely be dead right now, holy fuck.

Also, I went into the gas station earlier today to get cigarettes, and the credit card swipey thing at the register wasn't working for the 2 customers that were in front of me, and so - hey - why not try it 400 times because the first 20 didn't work?  And I kid you not when I tell you that for a second, I actually understood those people that just fucking LOSE THEIR SHIT over seemingly stupid shit, a la Michael Douglas in that one movie from the 80's where he just starts shooting people all willy nilly.  NOOO, I'm not going to start shooting people, however I am the most passive person in the world, I put up with more shit from people than I even care to fully realize and yet, I was ready to just beat the shit out of the Citgo lady for not telling the stupid fuckers ahead of me that, "Look, dude, obviously the machine isn't working and my line is building so, sorry, but fork over some fucking cash or go elsewhere."

FUCK.

Let's see - what else has sleep deprivation caused other than me becoming a complete and utter fucking can of assholes?  I'm having conversations I don't remember, and am actually doing things that I thought I dreamt but actually did. 

For example.  One night, I actually let my youngest sister (19) and her boyfriend in to my house and told them they could take the pile of boxes we still had left over from our move.  Two nights later, my roommate and I are coming in the house and I ask her what happened to all the boxes that were in our sunroom.  She was like, "Uh...Jackie was here and YOU LET HER IN and told her to take all the boxes she needed....do you not remember this?"

Um, nope!

Let's move on, shall we?  Is there anyone still with me because I'm not done with this fucking rant.

Work right now sucks ASS.  We are so OVERLY busy that we can't even see straight, and yet no one will do anything about it.  When I started back here at my place of employment in October, my boss assured my I'd only need to be on 3rd shift until maybe November.  Then it was January.  Then it was March.  The most recent update to me basically saying "FUCKING HELL WHAT THE FUCK MOTHERFUCKER I CAN'T KEEP WORKING THIS FUCKING GOD FORSAKEN FUCKING SHIFT" was that as soon as he hires 2 more people to take my place and *I* get them trained to the point that they're comfortable working on their own (takes about 2-3 months), THEN I can move to 1st shift. 

In other words, FUCKING NEVER?  Just say it - no one wants to work this shift and I'm stuck on it.

Now, I think I've covered this before, but let's just pretend I haven't.  On a normal, steadily busy night with 4 people working (we have some nights with 3 people, some with 4, some with 5...ideally we need 5 every night) we'll each take about 40-50 tickets.  For the past several weeks, I've been AVERAGING almost double that.  At 80-90 tickets a piece, we're each pretty busy - to the point of having just enough free time to go to the bathroom and maybe take a trip to the vending machine.

On top of this, our phonecalls have gone up since work decided they'd get rid of our sister-team which is the team that managed our credit card company's major problems/issues and hey - why not just give US the work they did?  Surely we can handle it.  And we have been going out of our minds.  I'm talking LITERALLY so busy that there are times we can't breathe, times when coworkers are THISCLOSE to walking out in protest, throwing phones and kicking chairs (I'm NOT kidding) and even YELLING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS at certain points because HOLY FUCK MAKE IT STOP.  I know I'm making us sound like a bunch of 5 year olds, but I'm talking MAJORLY overworked and it's gotten so unmanageable and, yet, ironically management is doing nothing about it and are actually adding work to our plates.

Oh - and - that team they got rid of and gave us their work?  ONLY THE 3RD SHIFT portions.  In other words, my coworkers on 1st and 2nd shifts do not have this portion of job responsiblitites, just we do.  Fair? Additionally, historically the majority of tickets come in our shift.  I think out of 100% of tickets, 3rd shift gets 45%, 1st shift gets 30% and 2nd gets 25%.  AND the REAL KICKER???  They have more people on their shifts than we do on ours. 

So, we get majority of the tickets, additional job responsibilities, we work horrific hours with approximately 1 to 2 less headcount than the other 2 shifts get, and for what?  A 10% shift differential.  I make almost $55K per year and believe me when I tell you that I'd gladly give them the $5000 to move me to a shift whereby I get to sleep at night again.

Long story short, I think I may have to look for a new job.  One with medical bennies so that I can go back on Ambiens to help me sleep, and also so I can LEGALLY acquire Xanax again.  Lots & lots of it.

If you do nothing else over the next couple days, please PLEASE send some good sleep vibes my way because I'm really not sure just how much longer I'll survive.

Well I finally got up the nerve to tell Becca how I feel about Eric.

It went so well you guys, I can't even tell you.

She's completely supportive, and actually thinks that he & I will make an amazing couple, AND thinks he feels the same about me and admitted that she's thought so about him for awhile now.  She was actually relieved that I had feelings for him, because her fear for some reason was that we were trying to just cut her out of our group or whatever. 

So all's well thus far, now if I could just know what's up in his mind....hahha...it's always something.

He came over today for mother's day & got me a few CDs.  Becca came over shortly after he arrived, and then I got visits from both my sisters & their babies AND my dad brought me a new (used) grill.  He just bought a new stainless steel mama jamma grill & gave me his still very nice older one.

After Eric left, he called me & asked if I wanted to go see Iron Man at the drive in on Friday night.

Now, that sounds like a date to me, no?

How funny is it that when I was typing the above "Subject" line, I started to type "Next Time Won't You SLEEP with Me"????????????  Freudian slip much?  Think SOMEONE needs some action, like - pronto?

Before I do my ABCs here, I just thought I'd share what a what a great guy Eric is.  For those of you who haven't read my last post, about all my health and insomnia woes, go ahead & do so now. 

I'll wait.

Oooookay, now that that 5 minutes you'll never get back are gone, last night Eric called me & told me that he left something at his house for me, and that this morning when I get off work, I should stop by & pick them up.  Color me intrigued.  I asked if it needed to be this morning on my way home, or could it wait until later in the day, and he said I'd want to before I went home to bed.

Ooookay.

So I swing by his house, he'd already left for work (boooo) and I go to the directed "spot" in his "video game" room (shut up) and sitting there are 5 Xanax's.

And throughout the heavens, angels sang on high.

I then went home and slept like a baby for the next 6.5 hours ya'll.  (Ok, first I did a little happy dance.  THEN I went home.)

The difference between me yesterday and today is UNREAL and I feel like a "NEW WOMAN NOW".  (Name that movie.)

Unbelievable this guy is, sooo freaking thoughtful.  Turns out, he ran into a friend who's wife takes them and the rest is history.  I'm no longer dizzy/seeing double, so hopefully it WAS due to exhaustion and now I feel super energized again after having slept so soundly.  I felt SO good after waking up in fact that I did 4 loads of laundry, hung pictures in my bedroom AND walked on my treadmill.

WORD.

So, yeah, as if I needed further proof that Eric rocks - BAM - there it is.

Love.

Now, the ABC's:

Around the corner for me for the next few months are many things to be excited about.  I was going to list them here, but maybe I can use them further down this list.

Beginnings of deep affection / like for someone are fucking awesome.

Cubs / Cards game July 5th - woooohooo Cubbies!  IN ST. LOUIS!!

Dane Cook is beautiful.

Eric. *squishy*

Fuck. My favorite word.

Get some, I need to.

Hot & heavy, now.

I'm in trouble I think regarding my (fucking) feelings. Nothing good can come of this.

Justice - I'm a libra thru & thru - all about the scales of justice.

Kanye West concert is 2 weeks away!!!!

Linkin Park/Atreyu concert Aug 16th!!

My new glasses - scroll down a little after the screen loads - OH THE LOVE - http://www.shop.com/77626351-96962926-p.shtml?sourceid=13&field_28483725=0

New diet I'm starting tomorrow - the Sacred Heart diet.  You lose 10-17 pounds a week and I don't want to hear one word about how losing too fast is not good for you blahblahblah.  It's mostly vegetables and fruit so, whatevs.

Opium, weed, coke, ecstacy, LSD - drugs I've done in my crazy life.

Pot - yummmmmmmm.

Quagmire.  For no reason, just thought I'd work it in here somehow.

Rock - best music in the world.

Stone Temple Pilots JULY 4th here:  http://www.summerfest.com/flash/

Too bad I'm not in bed right now.

U guys, my internet friends, are awesome.

Vegas baby, Oct 10-11-12.  Oh and?  Eric's going.

Wow, this is harder than I thought.

Xxx action in Vegas? 

Y? Because I love you.

Zat is all I have to say for now my sweets.

Whew!!!

I started to do so well with updating often and then....notsomuch.

What's been new with me?  Well...since you asked....

1) My sister had a birthday party for her daughter (my niece) on Saturday and invited Eric to join me.  At first I was basically like "No way" because it sounded really "date" like to me and I couldn't get up the nerve, but one morning I just came out and asked him if he wanted to go with me and he said yes.  We then made plans to see Iron Man afterwards, so all week long I was freaking out that we were maybe officially going on a date? 

Eric has already met & hung out with my dad, and his sister and my 30-year-old sister were best friends in Jr. High, so there was somewhat a knowing connection there, but he'd never met my mom or my youngest sister (the extremely obnoxious one).  Or pretty much anyone else that'd be at the party.

Everything went well, he wasn't too freaked out by them (amazingly) and we came away somewhat unscathed by said obnoxious sister, who managed to embarass me twice by harassing him first with "Are you guys dating?" type questions (I was on the phone when she started this and didn't know what she was doing until she'd already asked him several questions...) and then as we were leaving, making several "Are you guys gonna go do it now?" type comments.  She's 19 years old people, not 12, believe it or not.  I'm gonna kill her.

My mom was pretty bitchy (normal) but perhaps moreso because she decided to stop smoking 5 days prior to the party.  Eric picked up on it, not in a "Your mom is a beyatch" way but more in a "What's up w/your mom?" way.

We ended up not being able to make the movie afterwards, but it was only a timing issue....

So I have no idea if he looked at it as a 'date' or whatever but, it was nice.  My dad & sister love the hell out of him (my sister called the next day to say A) he's hot and B) he's all tall & manly (he is tall - 6'4" - mrrrrowl) so now the joke between he & me is that my sister wants him.

The next day we ended up talking for hours, and had our most "in depth" conversation thus far.  About our childhoods, our parents, etc.., you know the conversations I speak of, the ones that make you feel closer to the person because they're about WHO you are and WHY and HOW and all that.  The in's & out's of what make you you.  We opened up about a lot of things, not that we were necessarily closed off about them prior to this conversation but it was just more...intimate.

Now, onto more serious things.

I left Chuck almost 2 years ago (it'll be 2 years on July 7th) and shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as a result of all the things I'd gone through with him.  Not to mention that for a good 6 months he was still looking for me in hiding, so yeah - stress.  I was given prescriptions for Xanax for the anxiety and Ambiens to help me sleep.  Both helped tremendously, however about a year ago I had to be taken to the ER by a coworker (at the job prior to the one I'm at now) because I had had SEVERE dizziness, double vision and slurred speech.  And, no, I wasn't drunk.

At first it was thought I might be having a stroke.  Dude, I'm only 34 - that would have been BULLSHIT.  They ran a plethora of tests on me, for strokes, heart attack, etc.., and after an MRI thought maybe it was MS.

The MRI wasn't conclusive though, MS is hard to diagnose apparently.  So the doctor ordered 1 MRI per month so they could see what was going on in my brain.  I had also sustained a head injury during one of Chuck's episodes, so there was possible questions there as well, as far as unfixed brain injuries go.

Anyhow, shortly after all this, I was laid off from my last job.  AKA - no insurance.  AKA - no MRI's or prescriptions without shelling out major money that I didn't have.

Now, I still do not have medical insurance as I'm a contractor at Discover.  Annnnd not only is the dizziness back in full force (for the past year I've had it in varying degrees but never as bad as the time at the ER) along with the double vision, however I now have extreme insomnia as well.  I'd like to think the insomnia is causing the dizziness/blurred vision, and I'm going to continue telling myself that it is but......I'm a little freaked out.

Also - do you guys have any idea just how fucked up you feel after a long period of time of only 2-3 hours sleep per day?  The other day I pontificated that I felt as though I were close to DEATH and while slightly exagerating, the description is not all that far off.  I feel very loopy, extremely lethargic, and I'm soooo exhausted that I just don't know what to do.  OHHH the exhaustion...there are no words.

So, say a little prayer that someday soon I'll be able to get a few SOLID hours of sleep in, or else I just don't know what'll become of me.

And on that note, a little meme:

1) Wheres the person you like right now?
He's in his bed sleeping.  Fucker.

2) Last time you consumed alcohol?
Friday night.

3) What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
Not sleeping, probably looking at the clock cursing in my head about how I'm NOT SLEEPING.

4) What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Stupid work.

5) How do you feel about the person who texted you last?
Lots & lots of affection.

6) Have you ever been around someone who was high?
LMAO...this is hilarious.  A better question was have I ever been around someone that is NOT high.

7) Do you like your life as of now?
I love a lot of things about my life, namely my amazing daughter and friends.

8 ) Last thing you purchased?
Stupid gas at $3.75 per GALLON.

9) Have you ever drank with your number one?
Not sure what this means exactly... my number one what... friend?  Lovah?  Number one coworker?  Actually - if it is any of those - yes.

10) Where are you right now, and how do you feel about where you are?
I'm at work and I hate it.  It's 4:36am and I should be IN BED.

11) What are you excited for?
The possibilities with Eric, how well my daughter's doing in school - especially with her writing and art.

12) Hows your heart lately?
Hopeful for the first time in a LONG time.

13) Who was the last person you hugged?
Eric.

14) Who was the last person to hold your hand?
Eric.

15) Are you a jealous person?
Nope.

16) Did you have a good birthday this year?
Pretty good.

17) Are you tired right now?
Wow..... HORRIFICALLY.

18 ) What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual relationships?

As long as people are happy, I couldn't care less what sex they are.

19) Do you chew on your straws?
No.

20) Have you ever been called a tease?
Yes.

21) Last Message on myspace from?
My sister (not the obnoxious one)

22) Three days from now will you be in a relationship?
More than likely no, since we both apparently move at the speed of.....tortoises?

23) Do you have curly hair?
No

24) Who was at your house last?
Becca

25) Do you smoke cigarettes?
Yes

26) Do you lead people on?
Nah

27) Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
God willing, there'll be lots of kissing the last person I kissed.

28 ) Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it?
I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it

29) Is there something you wanna do?
Geez, could some of these questions be more random?

30) As of today, do you like anyone?
Ok, clearly a 13 year old wrote this.

31) Have you kissed anyone on the lips today?
No, waaaah.

32) Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Heehee...ho....ha......  YES.

33) Is your sister a slut?
The obnoxious 19 year old isn't necessarily a saint, but I wouldn't call her a slut either.  The other one def no.

34) Do you like to cuddle?
Very much

35) Last person you cried over?
My cousin a few weeks ago who died.  Well, his mom really.

36) Do you cry easily?
Tough question, sometimes yes - sometimes now.

37) Do you have any siblings?
Perhaps this should've been asked before asking if my sister was a slut?

38 ) Where did you go today ?
Grocery store, gas station, work

39) What should you be doing right now?
Sleeping or having sex.  Wait, having sex THEN sleeping the sleep of the dead.

40) Are you a heavy sleeper?
Ok, now it's just being rubbed in my face.  NO.

41) When was the last time you did the dishes?
Yesterday

42) Name every one that made you smile today:
In this order: Daughter, Liz, Eric, Becca, Amber, Sundry

This morning when I got home from work, I didn't log in to my messenger to IM with you as we normally do each day.

I was exhausted, I went straight to bed, even forgoing this week's new episode of One Tree Hill that's been sitting in my Tivo queue for DAYS now, and this is unheard of.

When I awoke a mere 5 hours later (NOT ENOUGH) I logged onto the messenger and was met with an offline message along the lines of: "Hey!  Where ARE you?  Why haven't you logged on yet today?  I haven't talked to you yet, it's weird." message from you and, well, you had me at HEY!

To know that I was on your mind today, and that you seemingly missed our silly little 'chat time', well...it felt good.  It felt really good, and scary.  To know that you look forward to our conversations as much as I do, to look at my caller ID on my phone and see your number on the list of incoming calls at least 5 times a day is... awesome.

When you were wanting to buy a Wii yesterday, and you asked me to help you find one since you were at work, it felt good to help you out.  I feel ridiculous even saying this but, I felt like your partner..your helpmate.  Same as when you entrusted me to take care of your cats a few weeks ago.  It felt RIGHT to help you out, and I'm glad to do it.

Last night when Becca insinuated that you guys were going out to dinner, I was upset.  But you assured me that it was not what she made it out to be, and you were right.  When I talked to you earlier today, to see if you still wanted me, too, to come over for dinner & some Wii playing fun, when you first responded that you weren't sure what was up for the evening, I started to waver again in my confidence in us.

When you quickly followed that statement up with "Why, do you want to do something?" and I responded that I did and you then said, so second nature-like "Cool, what's up, what do ya want to do?" it restored my faith that you wanted to spend time with me.

Even before I had these more than friend feelings for you, you were easily one of my favorite people in the world.  Each day I awake and think of you almost immediately, just as each morning I go to sleep with the same thoughts.  When we hang up from our multiple phone calls each day, I can't wait to talk to you again.

When you walk into my house during each visit, it feels natural watching you come through the door.  When you hug me goodbye, I get a little lost in your embrace.

You constantly make me laugh.  And you laugh at virtually everything I say genuinely. 

You are amazing with my daughter.

I love learning more about you with each conversation.  Who knew you were a state competetor in Junior High in various writing competitions?  My past partners have paled in comparison to me with regards to intelligence, you may very well supercede me.  MAYBE.

You hate "drama" and avoid it at all costs, as do I.  You can't stand rollercoaster relationships, fueled by breaking up and getting back together, or even just by the whole arguing only to make up only to argue again.  You think them just as absurd as I do.

You're so freaking adorable when you look at me across the room with that certain admiring look that I don't see near as often as I want to.  The one, actually, we give each other, that only my roommate has caught us doing.

The one night we've given in to this "thing" we have going on was incredible.  The way you grabbed my arms and locked them in place over my head with one arm while you grabbed & slightly lifted my shirt WITH YOUR TEETH was.... *ahem*  next subject.

I just really dig you, Eric, on every level I can think of. 

I only hope you feel the same.