I'm Not Ready To Make Nice, I'm Not Ready To Back Down

I can't tell you how many times I've come here to a blank page, started typing, only to stop one or two sentences in - my own words making even me sick.  It's the same ol' story really, nothing's changed.  I'm STILL not working, although I start a job next Tuesday (Oct. 14th) making 1/2 of what I made at my last job but, you know, the economy being what it is combined with my shaky history over the last few years and, well, I have to take what I can get.  It's better than no money.

I'm going to be 35 on Saturday and I have never been so low or felt so horrific about the state of my world in my entire life.  I'm not working,  I'm living with my parents (although feel lucky that I had the option at least), repo'd car, creditors coming after me like you wouldn't believe and, really, because of the enormous pay decrease I'm taking, there's no end in sight to any of it.

The trip to Vegas that was scheduled for this weekend got cancelled due to the people at cheapoair.com cancelling our outbound flight and since we weren't able to take one of their alternate flights, they were going to try to charge another $250 per ticket.  Which, fine, I can't afford it anyway OBVIOUSLY but when I informed Eric that the trip was cancelled, he said to keep my babysitting plans (H's dad) and plan on spending the weekend with him.  At first he thought he'd take me gambling since, you know, cancelled Vegas trip and all, but I'm really not big on gambling.  We'd been talking for some time now about how a weekend in bed, getting up to do nothing other than shower or answer the door for food delivery sounded downright HEAVENLY, so I suggested what better time for that plan than this weekend?! 

So, for the last few weeks, that's been the plan.  Now, there's no real status change on the state of Eric and my "relationship" status, other than a very long past due conversation about our feelings (we both have them, confirmed) for each other and the fact that we'd be PERFECT together (great big DUH to those who know us and have been pushing for this forever) but we both agreed that neither of us is in any position right now to be in a "relationship" at least not as far as comittment and promises and everything that goes along with the decision that  OK - we're together now goes.  So we've been on the same page regarding "us" - we go out, have an awesome time, have great sex, know that we share feelings for each other that at least for now are going to go unexplored, and we're both completely fine with the arrangement.

Except.  Oh you knew there'd be an "except" right?  He does this thing where for a week or two we will be inseparable, he'll call constantly - several times a day minimum, and we'll make lots of plans and do lots of things, and go out a lot and, basically, can't get enough of each other and then BAM!  Usually over a weekend I won't hear from him at all and then for the following week it's hardly any phone calls at all, sometimes not even returning my calls and he's full of "I'm super busy this week" with regards to making plans, etc..,

It's constantly 1 step forward, 2 steps back with him.  I really honestly don't mind the arrangement we have as far as not committing, etc.., but what I can't stand is the get super close and then pull away abruptly thing.  We've fought about this before, always ending with him apologizing for being, well, HIM and then things are good again for a couple weeks and then BAM!  It happens again.

We are free to see other people.  I actually have another guy that I go out with from time to time (no sex, only out to bars usually) that is really wanting more from me (re. a relationship) and is a great guy and an awesome friend of mine.  He & I went on several dates over the summer, usually involving going riding on his Harley (weakness of mine) to Lake Geneva to some quaint place to eat, followed by drinks.  He's an awesome guy, there's several girls in our little part of the world that have expressed interest and he has turned them all down, choosing only to see what happens with him & me.  (We also have had the whole "not ready for a relationship" talk so he does know where I stand on the subject...) 

I know for a fact that Eric is seeing someone else as well so the only thing I can really think of is that during these "off times" he's with her which, fine, whatever but then just SAY SO, don't just blow me off completely for days at a time until I get pissed and then apologize and go back to everything being ok again only to do it again.  It's infuriating, not only because arggghh the whole sharing thing is HARD but because he's my best friend and it's difficult to be without one's best friend when going thru such a trying period as I'm going through.

Anyhow, wow, I just went all kinds of into things.  My point was this...after the Vegas trip got cancelled and Eric and I make these weekend plans, he tells me the other day that I've got him all weekend EXCEPT for Saturday night because while he's a software engineer by trade, he DJs part time for extra cash and he has a paying gig that night.

Um, the night that is MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY?  Also, if we do plan on just staying in bed all weekend, like we're just going to cut right down the middle of it for you to go DJ at some club in Chicago and I'm going to, what, stay at your place alone that night waiting for you?  No. 

I don't know what to do about him anymore.  I've been honest about my feelings for him here, I'm in love with him - I can admit that and maybe that causes me to place some undeserved expectations on him/our friendship that I shouldn't?  I don't mean to paint him to not be a good guy because, really, he's incredible and has been an amazing friend to me over the last howevermany months.  He's been there for me on many different levels, so I hope I'm not making him out to be some inconsiderate guy that's just trying to get in my pants every so often. 

But at the same time, I don't want to place too much confidence in him and "us" either, or go into this too blinded by love because right now, it seems to me that since we're not in the same place, and I'm getting hurt - whether his intention or not - maybe I need to take a break from him for awhile until we're both in different places. 

So, I'm considering cancelling my "birthday weekend" plans with him altogether and making entirely new ones with my friends, including the other guy who last night asked if he could take me out ON MY BIRTHDAY night.

Really, there's so much more in my life that I need to and should be focusing on other than LOVE and Eric and does he or doesn't he and all of that that I'm actually making myself a little sick with this obsession and wondering and thinking about and whatnot.  I feel like it's such a large amount of energy wasted on what, unrequited love that will inevitably leave me in even smaller pieces than I'm already shattered into?  I hate love.